It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog. I wrote many lengthy blogs that I knew I would never work up the courage to actually post but it was therapeutic to write freely; it allowed me to be honest with myself and reflect on my experiences.
So… I’ve been on this “Eat, Pray, Love” journey if you will. It’s similar to Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir (or Julia Robert’s if you just watched the blockbuster) except I can’t afford to travel across the world and eat endless amounts of pasta to find myself and grow spiritually. My journey to self-discovery and most importantly self-acceptance has just begun. I invite you to follow; in hopes that we can learn from each other. I catch Alton staring at me quizzically at all my "holistic" ideas & treatments but he remains supportive & hasn't had me committed (YET)
I did some major spring cleaning this year and that ranges from literally dumping every mass produced medicine and toiletry item into a large garbage can, to distancing myself from people who are toxic to my health and my marriage. I have made peace that I cannot remove some people from my life but that doesn’t mean that I need to interact with them. I refuse to continue to sacrifice my own happiness and put my marriage at risk.
You know by now that I was diagnosed with brain tumors in 2012 and like a wise P.R. specialist would I became public about my situation to control the dialogue. I knew that once I had surgery I wouldn't be able to control what was being posted on social media. I'm glad I did because I've met so many amazing people along the way. When people ask me how I came to the diagnoses I usually give them the same vague answer… carefully giving just enough info to get a reassured head nod but not too much that I risk my vulnerabilities be used against me.
I’m still not ready to out myself about what brought me to being diagnosed. Perhaps I will in the future, if and when I have won that battle. Maybe one day I’ll blog all about the dragons I slayed but I’m still “at war”, if you will, sooo stay tuned.
I’ve never questioned my God about my illness. I’ve never hosted a pity party for myself. I was raised to have faith first. I knew God had a purpose for my life, my pain and my illness; even if I couldn’t see it. I knew that I was faced with a very real possibility that my condition would break me physically but never did I imagine that it would break me in the most beautiful way spiritually. I am grateful for my struggle. It mended my heart. It casted a much needed light on my life, my beliefs and most importantly the people in it. I woke up many times in my recovery room to loved ones holding my fragile hand, watching me sleep and praying to God for a miracle. While I faded in and out of sleep I would often hear my family members reassure each other that I would pull through because I was strong but I don’t think they realized that my strength came from them. It was their prayers, faith and support that fueled me.
After the surgery my plan was to heal and go on to win the original battle that brought me to this diagnoses. However, God quickly reminds me that he’s in charge. I foolishly thought to myself that I had passed the test and I was ready to proceed with my own plans. Nope! I’m not sure why I’m being constantly detoured on my journey but I know that his purpose for my life is greater than anything I have planned.
No one has ever accused me of being soft, on the contrary my exterior is solid and tough. I am not proud of my flaws but I accept them and I am on a journey to nurturing them. I’ve recently learned a lot about energy. I see an energy specialist twice a week, I’ve gone to workshops and continue to look for alternative ways to heal my body and my mind. For now that’s what my blog will be about.
I am hungry for knowledge to heal and I look forward to sharing experiences.